


Close to the Stars

by BlackOrbit



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Star Gazing, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 19:25:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14456121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackOrbit/pseuds/BlackOrbit
Summary: Sometimes, when Eren feels like it's all too much and he can't bear it anymore, he looks up to the stars, closes his eyes and wonders what it would be like being part of these beautiful constellations.





	Close to the Stars

_Please. Please, let me-_

The lighter clicks. Eren inhales, deeply. Slowly. He holds his breath for a moment, then exhales through his nose. He pulls at the cigarette again and watches the grey smoke vanish in the nightly air. His right leg bounces up and down and he gives his best to maintain a steady and even breath.

_I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't-_

'Calm down', Eren thinks to himself, demanding. 'You _can_ do this. Just a few more hours.'

He takes a slightly shaking breath and lays his head back. He closes his eyes for a brief moment, opens them again and blicks up. They're living in a big city with a large population and a way higher pollution so there isn't much Eren can see. But he does see the nearly perfectly rounded moon, resting above all of their heads, and a few single stars spread across the dark, almost black, sky. It's a stark contrast, Eren thinks. 

_Beautiful._

But Eren knows exactly what he's doing there, where his mind is leading him so he forces himself to look at the now nearly burned down cigarette in his right hand and the ash that's all over his jeans instead. He tries to clean his trousers and flicks the still smoldering stub away.

Eren sighs and his eyes start to wander. He's in Jean's garden, sitting in a white plastic chair, alone, on each side of him another one. A half emptied bottle of Coke lies in the grass next to his feet, together with the pack of cigarettes and his lighter. It's Jean's birthday and there are at least thirty guests. Most of them are inside the huge house, playing party and drinking games, Eren can hear them laughing and shouting at each other with constantly loud voices. Only a few others are sitting in small groups of three or four people in his friend's garden, actually talking or just chilling instead of getting unnecessarily drunk.

Eren would never participate in such drinking games voluntarily. Of course he had gotten drunk before but he hates the feeling of losing control over his body and mind when the alcohol finally starts to show its effect. He's afraid of the things he could say or _show_ when he's not able to think straight. Rationally. Eren shakes his head. So instead of drowning one shot after another he chose to look for a more quiet place to stay and wait until an appropriate time he could excuse himself and leave the party.

If it had been just a regular party Eren would've maked up an excuse why he wasn't able to attend it and just had told them he was sick or had too much work to do. But Jean was one of his best friends, there had been no way he could have turned his invitation down. 

But when Eren is honest with himself he's grateful for this chance to leave his father's house for as many hours as possible. His leg starts to bounce faster when Eren thinks about the latest argument he had with his father, just a few hours ago.

It had all began with him working on an essay for one of his classes in university in the living room when his father came home from the hospital where he worked as a surgeon. He spotted Eren sitting at the kitchen table, with his laptop in front of him and notes everywhere, and started asking questions about his exams and grades in general. It was the same procedure as every day, he always wanted to know how Eren was doing in university first when he got home.

Since his mother had died in a car accident approximately five years ago his father's personality had changed drastically. He yelled at Eren almost every day, said harsh and mean words Eren could never forget in his life again and made it clear that in his eyes Eren was a disappointment. Unable to follow in his father's foodsteps, to become a doctor himself, unable to make him or his mother proud.

_Not good enough. Never good enough._

Eren finds himself starring up to the sky again, secretly craving to be one of them, one of these beautiful, untouchable stars, far away from everything that upsets him here, far away from his abusive father, far away from his pathetic and worthless existence. 'Please', Eren thinks, breathing becoming more unsteady, 'I don't want it anymore.'

The brown haired boy notices how sweat begins to form and run down his back. _Not here. Not yet._ He needs to hold his shit together, can't allow himself to have a breakdown just in the middle of Jean's garden. He tries to take deep breaths.

It's a warm but decent night. It's June and the temperature had been pretty high the last two weeks, so even now it's warm enough for most of the guests to wear a T-shirt. Some of them even wear shorts. Eren wishes he also had a T-shirt on. But instead he wears a longarmed blue sweatshirt, sleeves long enough to cover his wrists and half of his hands. He wishes he cold just roll them up to cool himself down a little but there's no possible way he would do that. In this moment Eren hates himself for what he's constantly doing to himself in the safety and privacy of his own room or in the bathroom. Eren feels the skin on his forearms burning.

All of Eren's friends know of his tendancy to reach for a blade or another sharp object whenever Eren needs to free himself from these memories, from these thoughts that will never stop, never leave him alone. Thoughts of his father abusing him both physically and mentally, of his mother, of her funeral, of him falling behind in school, recieving bad grades, his father locking him in his room, his outing, his father's reaction, the punishments-

Eren snaps back to reality. Only now he realizes how tightly he holds onto the armrests. He looses his grip. His hands are damp. With his left hand he goes through his hair, frantic, sighing. Sometimes he just feels the need to remind himself that he's still alive, still breathing. He knows it's an unhealthy way of coping with his problems. He knows it but he can't stop. And sometimes... not even the feeling of the cold metal against his skin is enough. On some days, when he sits on the floor with blood on his arms, on his jeans and on the tiles, he feels an odd urgency to go further, _cut deeper_ , just right there, on his wrists. One single cut could end it all. In moments like these Eren cries even harder but at the same time he wants nothing more than to just give in.

Eren shivers. Yes, his friends know about his self-inflicted wounds. But they also know about his father and all the things going on at home, about his depression. But noone else, not even his father, has seen his scars. He always hides them behind a jacket or sweatshirt whenever he's with someone he doesn't trust.

Eren's gaze starts to wander again, desperately looking for a distraction from his intrusive mind. His eyes land on a group of four people who are sitting on the other side of the garden. Unvoluntarily, Eren's heartbeat fastens. The group consists of older students, three boys and one girl. Armin introduced the four to their group almost a year ago. The blonde met one of them, Erwin, in the debating team of their university and befriended him. The older student brought his other three friends with him.

Eren watches the group from his seat, knees drawn to his chest. Erwin is the oldest, he is tall and well build. Has blonde hair and blue eyes. He has a quiet and friendly personality, always down to help others in need. Eren really likes Erwin but he knows, everyone does. Next to Erwin sits Mike, also blonde and tall, with a beard and always a grin on his face. The girl, Hanji, lies on her stomach in the grass, feet naked. Eren can hear her laugh even from the distance. But to all of them Eren pays no _real_ attention.

Eren's focus lies on Levi, a young man with raven hair and storm-like grey eyes, who sits cross legged next to Erwin. He holds a bottle of beer in one of his hands and takes a sip every now and then. He also wears a sweatshirt but his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows and Eren can see his muscles twitch when he moves his arms. Eren swallows.

He knows Levi for a year now, and he knows that his feelings for the older boy are more than friendship approximately for a year, too.

For a short moment Eren imagines himself walking over and joining their group but he stays in his seat, rather watching them from afar. They're engrossed in conservation, not paying attention to their surroundings. Levi's usually cold and inscrutable exterior is relaxed and so is his body. Eren knows that this means that Levi's with someone he truly likes or else he would never show them another side of him than his repellent one. Levi doesn't smile though but Eren can see it in his body language, can see it in his eyes, how comfortable he feels and how amused he is. A soft smile appears on Eren's lips. 

But then Eren remembers the previous disput with his father and the smile disappears instantly. He grimaces instead. Suddenly Levi's gaze darts up and he makes direct eye contact with Eren. The brunette startles and lowers his gaze to his lap instantly where he plays with the hem of his shirt nervously. He can't stand Levi's eyes. Not when he has to think about the words his father said to him earlier that day at the same time. Nevertheless he did notice the change in the older man's eyes. Eren doesn't want to think about what Levi possibly could have seen, how many emotions Eren actually had shown. Eren's gaze shoots up to the stars again, pleading.

After insulting and blaming him for his results in university his father had led his tirade to the fact of his son being gay and even though Eren came out to his father over six months ago the older man still felt the urge to show Eren his disappointment almost every day. With his words or with his fists, it didn't matter to him. He just wanted to hurt Eren, just as Eren hurt his image and his reputation. The shame of his son being a _homosexual_.

Eren's eyes begin to water. He closes them forcefully, presses them shut. He won't cry. The skin on his arms itches.

_"Dad, sometimes, when you say all these things like that, I- Sometimes I- Dad, sometimes I want to _die_!", Eren screams, tears streaming down his face. Eren had expected everything but the look his father gives him with eyes that harden at an instant lets him take a step back and his breath catch. "Maybe that would be the better option", his father says, controlled, coldly. He turns around and exits the living room, leaving his son alone._

Eren doesn't want his thoughts to consume him, doesn't want his mind to take over but he knows it's already too late, he spirals down further and further with every second. His skin starts burning again and he doesn't know how much longer he can bear it, how much longer he can stand the sudden need of taking the blade and pressing it to his already scarred skin and-

"Eren", a quiet and low voice suddenly says. He flinches. He opens his eyes and sees Levi, who's sitting in the chair next to him and who looks at him with an unreadable expression on his face. Eren freezes.

It's only now that he realizes how tensed he is. He tries to relax his muscles but all he does is sinking into himself. He lowers his head, asking himself why Levi is here, sitting right by his side and isn't with his friends anymore instead.

"Eren, look at me", Levi says, still with his quiet voice, but now demanding. Eren shakes his head, feeling the unshed tears.

The next thing Eren feels is a hand on his left arm. Right on his wounds. And he knows that Levi knows that, too. His instinct screams at him to tear his arm away but he can't bring himself to do it. Levi's hand is warm, laying on his skin without any real pressure, gently. 

Eren takes a deep breath, tries to calm himself down and finally meets Levi's eyes. Concern is now evident and Eren instantly feels guilty for being responsible for Levi's worry. But the raven haired boy seems to know what Eren is thinking.

"I know what you're going through", Levi says, earnestly, using now both of his hands to lay them on one of Eren's legs, tenderly. "And I want you to know- I _need_ you to know that I'm _always_ there for you. You can always talk to me, Eren."

Touched by the sincerity of his voive Eren can't hold back his tears anymore. One rolls down his cheek, a second one follows.

Levi's eyes widen slightly but he lifts his hand and wipes the salty stain away. "Don't cry..." Eren tries to compose himself, still feeling Levi's hand on his knee. 

They're both quiet for a moment until Levi suddenly squeezes Eren's leg. "Look", he says, "A shooting star." The brunette follows the older boy's gaze just in time to see the meteor disappear on the horizon. With now shining eyes Eren turns his head to face the other man again. Levi watches him, smiling ever so slightly. "Did you make a wish?", he asks, lifting an eyebrow at him. Eren shakes his head. "Well, then, you have to", he winks, but Eren knows he isn't trying to make fun of him.

This time Eren nods, closes his eyes and tries to decide what to wish for. He thinks about his father, university, his scars. But all that matters now is Levi's hand on his leg, squeezing it softly again. Eren takes a deep breath and opens his eyes again. The smile on Levi's face is gone, instead he watches him with a serious expression, intensively. 

"Please talk to me whether you feel bad, had a fight with your dad or want to do something to yourself. Text me, call me, no matter the time, okay?", Levi says, calmly but Eren can hear the urgency in his voice. He doesn't trust his voice so he simply nods again, hoping that Levi understands how grateful he is for everything he has said and done for him. How much he means to him. He feels his eyes watering again but he forces himself not to cry. Instead, he shyly smiles at Levi who never lets his eyes go off him. And Levi smiles back.

**Author's Note:**

> You know guys, is it just me or? Like whenever I feel super kreative or actually start writing I always have to interrupt it after a super short time like yesterday I had an appointment at the dentist even though I just had you know "the flow" xD  
> However, feedback is always appreciated and a sequel from Levi's POV is being planned :3


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